life...as i see it.
life...as i see it.
So I have come to the conclusion that my ex of 10 months, and multiple drunken marriage proposals, actually just hated one another. He basically wanted to have a trophy wife/girlfriend and make more than moderately gorgeous children with me. He also wanted to change almost everything else about me, not cool buddy. It’s okay, I actually kind of hated myself, like a lot, when we were together. I felt like a completely different person, possibly a nicer person, but definitely not the person I truly am. I actually am a really nice person, and have been told that on multiple occasions. That statement has been followed up every time with one informing me that it’s not my fault some people don’t understand my humor. I practically wear a warning sign in the same location Flavor Flav wears his clock, yet possibly larger, stating “Caution, contains high amounts of sarcasm and occasionally higher amounts of vodka.” That is a completely fair heads up in my opinion.
I am actually a pretty good person. I’ve grown a lot in the past year and have learned quite a bit about myself. In all actuality I have become a less narcissistic person despite my general attitude in my blog. My ex and I are still on mildly good terms but only because we don’t have to pretend to like each other now.
And I really hope he never sees my blog. But if you are reading this right now, just know you lasted really long in bed, the male race should be jealous, awesome!
Yesterday one of my staff asked me what my new goal in life was. And of course, as any other female would reply, I said to “not be fat & bloated on my period.”
But I think this was actually a serious question he was asking. This has brought up some thoughts, what are my interests? What do I love in life? What haven’t I done that I want to get done? Where do I want to go?
Well I am super interested in magic and imaginary things, but I can’t really find a fulfillment if it isn’t real. Or can I? I love my dog, music, nature (even though I am very allergic to it), family, and to laugh! I definitely want to travel. I also want silicone breast implants, but I’m trying to be realistic.
I have now decided that I next year I am going to travel to music festivals. I am going to become more creative than I already am. Or enjoy the weird things in life. I want to travel somewhere gorgeous, on a mountain top and do yoga. While there I will also scream at the top of my lungs to prove to myself how small in the world I actually am, yet that I am still here!
I want to LIVE!
I haven’t recently felt that I was living. It was not until a moment in my car, on the freeway (so safe, I know) where I stuck my arms out the sunroof and sang loudly to my favorite Wynter Gordon song, that I actually felt alive again.
I am 24 going on death and I need to live if up. If I don’t, I will never be happy in the future.
Sometimes I wonder if it is possible for me to stumble upon someone who is so IN LOVE with me, for being me. And if I’m lucky, I’ll love them like that bit even more so. Is that possible for me?